Friday, 12 December 2008

Miss you so much Dad...

Have been feeling a bit low over the last few days... Mum is not well she seems to be getting more and more muddled and confused with life... and today is the anniversary of my Dads death. On this day, December 12th 1991, we lost a very much loved husband and Dad... so long ago yet it seems like only yesterday when Dad was taken from us so suddenly. Dad suffered from asthma and on this particular night he suffered quite a severe asthma attack. Dad had been ill with a chest infection and he had been given steroids earlier that day... sadly during the night regardless of the steroids things took a turn for the worst. Mum called me in a panic and I called for help. It was decided that Dad only needed to see a doctor on call out and by the time the doctor arrived Dad was struggling for breath. Mum was getting very upset as was I but we tried to put a brave face on things... The Doctor called an ambulance immediately and in hindsight and something I have always felt really guilty about is the fact that I should have insisted on an ambulance in the first place! If I had the outcome could have been so different! By the time the ambulance arrived and it seemed like forever... The Doctor kept looking out of the window waiting for the ambulance and checking my Dad... but he could do nothing to help his breathing... Mum and I busied our selves by gathering items required for an hospital stay...
When the ambulance finally arrived they carried my Dad out in a sort of stretcher chair... Dad could not talk he was just concentrating on trying to get what little air he could to his lungs... but I could see the worry in his eyes, Dad hated hospitals... the last thing I said to Dad was ' you will soon be feeling better Dad, and you will be home in time for Christmas' he gave me a knowing glance... The ambulance men got Dad into the ambulance and connected him to a nebuliser.... Dad looked so relieved... and then he died......
I miss him so much (Mum misses him deeply and I don't think she has ever gotten over his loss) .... this was the poem that we read out at his funeral, such beautiful words....

They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.

A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven
and bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.

Author Unknown.....
Love you with all my heart Dad... and think of you each and every day, but especially today!! xxxxxx


Compostwoman said...

(((((((((((HUGE hugs))))))))))))

Jane :-(

I am so sorry about what happened to your Dad, and that your Mum is frailer and more confused at the moment. Its a horrible thing to happen. Around this time especially it must be even more upseting than mormal for you all.

I know you do a great deal to help your Mum and I am sure all the love you show her is very much appreciated.

Not much more I can say, really.....apart from more hugs and you know where I am....

love Sarah xx

Tea with Willow said...

Jane, my heart goes out to you today. Whilst time is a great healer, I know that some things feel like they only happened yesterday.

Take time to think about your Dad with love, but never, ever feel guilty about things you may or may not have done. I'm sure he knew you did everything you could to help him and to look after your Mum at the time.

Then, tomorrow, do something just for you, that makes you feel happy and be kind to yourself.

Willow xxx

ICQB said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad just over a year ago and I miss him lots too.

Don't ever feel guilty about what you did or didn't do or the way things happened. Sometimes even our own actions are out of our control and the universe works in ways we wish it wouldn't. Your Dad knew that you loved him, and you'll always have his love with you. And that's a wonderful gift.

And it's hard to see your parents ageing. All we can try to do is care for them with love and muddle through as best we can.

Sending lots of warm thoughts your way.

ICQB (Linda)

liZZie said...

Beautiful words Jane. Your father was fortunate to have such a tender hearted and loving daughter. I am sure you will care well for your mum now that she needs you more and more. So many of us in middle age are sharing about our children who flee the nest and then we have the elders to care for. Love buffers the losses and I value you for a total absence of any self pity or bitterness. You are a shining example, so thank you. x

Leanne said...

Jane, your pain is obvious still, and I too am sending you a hug. Ive just had the aniversary of my dads death 5 yrs ago, and they never get easier, do they? Your Dad knew you were doing your best at the time, and he is still with you in spirit, so be comforted by that.

sending blesings to you, and to your mum. leanne x

Shabby Chick said...

Hi, I saw a link to your post from Tea With Willow and had to look as my Dad passed away unexpectedly this April so I know how hard it can be, though I haven't had to face an anniversary yet.

Please don't blame yourself for not calling out an ambulance, at the time you were in the hands of the professionals and we all naturally take their advice above what we are feeling. The worst may have happened even if you had called for am ambulance straight away.

That poem is beautiful, I'm going to save it as it is all so true. It's so hard when we need them and they aren't there, or want to tell them something and aren't able to. I hope you don't mind me commenting for the first time on such a personal post. I hope the last couple of days have been kind to you.

Mel x

Thursday said...

When my mum died three years ago, a work associate sent me an email in which he'd written "The death of a parent is probably one of the most difficult experiences life obliges us to deal with". It's always stuck with me as we are indeed obliged to deal with it as it's the correct order of things but no-one tells you or can describe just how devastating it is.

Leanne said...

still thinking about you Jane x

Shirley Landis VanScoyk said...

Jane, I am so sorry. There is nothing I can say that I know will comfort you, but know I am thinking of you and your mother today.

Leanne said...

I know youve had a difficult few weeks jane, but i just wanted to pop by and wish you a peaceful christmas Jane. Hope you are ok

Leanne x