Thursday 25 February 2010

New Beginings..........





(Began writing this in early January 2010 and have added to it until I was finally happy to publish the post)

Well thankfully 2009 is now well and truly over and  2010 has begun in earnest......... Wishing you all a Very Happy New Year!!


Christmas this year was very difficult for us as the loss of Mum was quite evident as Christmas day dawned. I had been feeling stronger about her loss as the days passed by but something just hit me as I walked the dogs on Christmas morning and as much I tried to fight the tears back it was not to be and spent a good hour trekking across the fields sobbing my heart out... 
I also managed to fall over and break my faithful trusty pop in my pocket camera.. so that just made matters worse!
Thankfully my OH rallied around and helped me with the Christmas meal and jollied me along.... plied with me an intoxicating spirit or two which helped dull the pain!!! 
I have never been so unenthusiastic about a meal and yet it turned out really well!
Later on in the evening we were expecting old friends and neighbours around for tea and so I could go and have a sleep... needed to sleep off the crying and inebriation effects!! OH prepared a lovely buffet which was a huge success...and the evening was enjoyed by all... including me!



Boxing day was a much better day for us all and I was much happier and thankfully I have coped well  since Christmas.. although things hit me emotionally when I least expect it and when it does its quite overwhelming but that is now down to time and the healing that it brings and I just have to allow nature to take its course........
I did have one highlight over Christmas on Boxing day and that was to talk over the telephone for the first time with GTM.... http://greentwinsmummyasimplelife.blogspot.com/. (GMT has since closed this blog and moved to another private blog with invited members only) It was so nice to talk with her as she is such a lovely, lovely lady! I also had a little chat with her darling smalls and it was delightful... the best Christmas present ever!!


I do hope the year ahead will be a lot happier... I do have some plans on the horizon but to be honest nothing is at all clear and I find myself rather overwhelmed with things I would like to do and achieve but all in a jumbled mess... so guess the first thing on my list of achievements this year is to catch up with loads of correspondence and get myself organised. 
I find I am far too happy to sit at my computer and what should only be a little while here and there turns into an hour or two.... 
That is when I can actually see what I am doing on the computer screen!
Bootsie does like this spot and enjoys many a happy nap on my desk!! Often find I am struggling to type around either a tail or a tapping paw..... 
Bold and Basil enjoying a nap together.....

Bootsie in feline dream land... 
Two's company............ 
Basil is in (dare I say it without tempting fate!!) much better health these days and all thanks to our lovely vet who has now sadly left for pastures new and will be much missed as he was a wonderful vet.... will be hard to get used to someone else......
Basil was so ill with stomach/gut problems and still has to have regular medication for the stomach problems but with the medication and a specialised food he has gone from strength to strength and is in tip top health its so nice to see him full of endless energy..... 
He of course still needs to have both hips replaced but due to the stomach problems now under control and his weight managed correctly coupled with the pain killers and joint supplement the hips problems are under control... when things in time take a turn for the worst then hip replacement will become a requirement.... If you saw him run and get about you would have no idea that their was a problem with his hips in fact its impossible to wear Basil out!!
This is the food that has made a MAJOR difference to Basils health. It is quite pricey but I am able to shop around on-line and find it much reduced than purchasing from the vets and as I buy it in a bulk size its nice to have it delivered to my door.


The weather and the big freeze is now the topic of the day and a wonderful opportunity to take some great photographs.......
My friend and neighbour who is also the owner of Syd. We were walking the dogs together that morning and were taking photographs of the most beautiful frosty day!
And then the snow came along....................
Even big girls have to play.... here is 'Snowdonna' and Snowtravolta'!!!

Well things have moved on since the 'snow' and we are slowly but surely heading towards Spring which is much looked forward to for many reasons.
At the moment I am not in the best of health and to cut a long story short I have had some blood tests done as I have been quite low recently and was also taken ill across the fields the other week..... the blood tests are thankfully okay but they have revealed that my immune system is low at the present time. My doctor thinks it is to with my poor sleeping routine of late which in itself is very harmful and I need to get more sleep..... but also the low immune system as allowed me to succumb to a really bad chest and sinus infection. It has completely floored me and I am on my second week of antibiotics.

Sadly I am having to deal with more sadness.... A couple of weeks ago I attended the funeral of my friends husband who has been very ill for the past nine years and suffered from many aliment's including Parkinson's disease and Alzheimer's and finally he lost his life to pneumonia. He was a very dear man with a wonderful sense of humour, positively wicked at times and he will be very much missed!!
This was a photograph I took of my friends husband Jim enjoying a great time during a pre Christmas tea party. Rest in Peace Jim you were very much loved!!


And then early this week I received the very sad news that my Mums Eldest sister, my favourite Auntie had just passed away. Auntie Jean was the grand age of 86 and had enjoyed a very happy and adventurous life and as my cousin (Auntie Jeans son) said to me she had, had a good innings!! But it was a huge blow to me as I adored my Auntie and as a child I had spent many happy hours in her company and I have many special memories of my gorgeous Auntie.....
I wasn't able to attend the funeral for various reasons and this upset me greatly so my cousin told me to get in touch with the undertakers once I had sorted out my floral tribute and I was to have my flowers put on my Aunties coffin alongside his flowers and that was such a sweet gesture that means so much to me.
RIP Auntie Jean, never forgotten and loved forever! xxx
Going through my Mums photographs the other day I found this photograph of Auntie Jean attending her garden. I was staying with her for a few days at the time...44 years ago!!

I also discovered another photograph that really quite upset me as all my family on that photograph have now sadly passed away
In this photograph from left to right:-
My Mum, my Dad, Uncle John (my Mums brother) Auntie Jean (my Mums sister) Uncle Frank (Mums brother) Uncle Reg (Auntie Jeans husband) Auntie Mary (Mums sister) Uncle Brian (Mums brother). The photograph was taken at my Uncle Dicks funeral yet another brother of Mums. Their is only one sister now left surviving and she was the youngest of the family.

Also I found a newspaper cutting of Railway Cottage the childhood home of my Dad and after my Dad left home along with other brothers and his only sister, due to marriage etc. Uncle Frank Dad's youngest brother who never married remained in the cottage until he passed away in 1995 and it was then put up for auction by my Dads late nephew who was the executor of my Uncles Will. It broke my Dads heart to see his childhood home put up for sale and we never knew what happened to the money it sold for or the contents of the house. All that was sent back to us were my childhood school photographs that my Uncle kept on his sideboard. It was heartbreaking as many of the contents were childhood memories for my Dad, old books, ornaments, family photographs.etc My Uncle was an avid gardener and had three greenhouse one of which contained some spectacular cactus plants and I dread to think what happened to them. Dad did not like conflict so let the whole unsavoury situation pass by but it left him very troubled and hurt by family members who he had been very fond of......
I visited the cottage many times as a child and adored it and many times helped to get water from the garden pump (on the right of the picture) until my Uncle finally decided he would be connected to the water mains...
The cottage was situated right by the side of the railway and things been so different in those days in so much as the train drivers got to know my Uncle by sight who was always out in his garden and they would wave, or toot at my Uncle as they passed by and even some of the passengers would give my Uncle a wave.. lovely happy days and the sun always seemed to be shinning!!
The inside of the  cottage was decorated in newspaper and then white washed. As a child I slept in the upstairs bedrooms as my Mum and Dad stayed for a short while to look after my Granddad when my Granny was away ill. I remember the toilet was always outside right up until it was sold and it had the old Radio Times/newspapers cut up for toilet paper, it was one of those toilets that had to be emptied on a regular basis. There was the old laundry outside and the copper inside. It was a long huge garden and in the dell as it was called a dip in the far end of the garden was where my Uncle kept his hens and I was always allowed to go and collect the eggs. It was such an exciting place for a child to be and I have had many happy hours at Railway cottage. I have recently had a look at the cottage on a day when my OH and I happened to be in that area and although a lot of the original parts of the cottage remain as it was a listed property the new owners have built onto it and ripped the garden out and landscaped it to their own liking which is what you would expect but I do regret going back as I disliked how it had been messed around with, guess its right what they say,  you should never go back...........

Feeling somewhat apprehensive at the moment as my husband is due to see his heart consultant today. OH has had a problem with his heart for sometime now and so far had four cardioversions, the first one lasted for five years the other three have lasted no longer than one day and so he has reached his cardioversion limit and his consultant is looking to perform a small operation on my husbands heart that could hopefully solve his problem?? All will hopefully be revealed this morning?

Sunday 7 February 2010

Tagged........ (from 2009)


In late 2009 I was tagged by the lovely LiZZie at http://mygenericmedium.blogspot.com/

Because I had just been through the ordeal of my Mums funeral I was not up to much at the time and sort of put my blog on hold and told LiZZie that I would delay the tag for a while but promised I would post it when I was ready to move on with life... that  time has now arrived and so I will now carry out that promise! Thank you LiZZie for this tag and award and I do VERY MUCH appreciate you thinking of me,. Its going to be fun to do and pass on....... 
Firstly the award picture ( I think its the right one... long story http://mygenericmedium.blogspot.com/2009/12/tag-why-i-love-patty.html   but having traced the tag back to http://smitoniusandsonata.blogspot.com/2009/11/7-things-you-didnt-know.html I have decided this is the award picture to use... (this is already great fun!! lol!!) 
And now for the rules ~

1. Copy and paste the picture which you see above onto your own blog. 
2. Thank the person who gave you the award and post a link to their blog.
3. Write 7 things about yourself we do not know. [See below]
4. Choose 7 other bloggers to award.
5. Link to those 7 other bloggers. 
6. Notify your 7 bloggers.   

1) I used to be a Campanologist

2) I am terrified of spiders... 

3) I adore aromatherapy but sadly I am not qualified but just dabble

4) I love my garden/greenhouse and can loose myself completely whilst working in either.

5) I cannot drive

6) My first job was in a Jewellery Shop

7) I have just discovered photography over the last couple of years and I love, love, love it. I recently sent a photograph to my local newspaper and made picture of the week and I am over the moon!! I am so happy about it that I am going to share it with you all and this is the photograph!!!


The photograph was taken on a recent frosty morning whilst walking my dog Basil.

So that concludes my not very exciting 7 things you may or may not know about me.......
And now to link to 7 other bloggers: -






I will link to you all and invite you to join in with this tag but if its not for you then please do not worry.
If anyone I have not tagged would like to have a go then please feel free........


Saturday 6 February 2010

Favourite song meme (two!)

I am a really lucky girl because I get two shots at this.... I have been tagged for the favourite song meme a second time by the lovely blogger http://newishlifeinscotland.blogspot.com/.. thank you so much for a second chance xxxx
So have had my thinking cap on a second time and after much deliberation I have decided on this as my second favourite song of all time........ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7Gbb2bTWAc
Now to tag a few lovely bloggers that may like to have a go at this meme... or anyone else that may like to join in... please feel free and have fun!!!
http://facebook-melmel.blogspot.com/
http://codlinsandcream2.blogspot.com/
http://www.earthenwitch.co.uk/
http://mrsnesbittsspace.blogspot.com/

Favourite song meme.........

I have been tagged the other day by the lovely http://completelyquackers.blogspot.com/ and thought it a great idea to begin my new ... New Year on a more cheery note.....Thank you so much Sara xxxxx
This has been very hard to do as I have so many favourites and they change frequently.  So over the past few days I have put my mind through the wringer and just has I thought I had decided I changed my mind.... but and I may change my mind again in the next few minutes I have decided that this song I have loved from the moment it was released and still love it just as much now... it has special meanings to me which will remain unsaid..... but take a listen and see what you think?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2m__rbD2IM
And now to tag a few lovely blogger's that may enjoy taking part in this.... although it is hard and I will understand if you would prefer not to take part, the choice is yours......... and of course anyone who would like to take part that I have not listed then please feel free....... xxxxx
http://suomeasorceress.blogspot.com/
http://mygenericmedium.blogspot.com/
http://compostbins.blogspot.com/
http://mrsc.typepad.co.uk/being_mrs_c/

Saturday 5 December 2009

Its hard to say goodbye...............




On November 25th at 3.15pm it was time to say goodbye to Mum and lay her to rest, it was a day I was dreading and yet was needing to be done and had been a very long time coming due to finances etc.............
Thank god for very dear friends and family who got me through this dreadfully painful day...... 
I did not sleep much the night before and whenever I nodded off I seemed to wake with a start and a sicking gut wrenching feeling........ I just gave up and got up eventually and drank endless cups of coffee and kept checking my to do list and my order of service anything to keep busy and not think.....













My friends called to take Basil for a long walk at about 9.30am whilst my OH and I went out to do a few last minute chores and deliver my order of service stationary to the undertakers. I made the order of service myself and although quite unprofessional they were all individually made with love.....
Eventually it was time for us all to get changed and ready and I have to say I was so proud of all the effort my family made... my son looked so smart in his new white shirt and black tie.... no longer the boy but a man...............my daughter and partner arrived in good time and both dressed immaculately. My daughters partner was all suited and booted and looked so handsome! Thank god for my daughters early arrival as I was having a last minute panic with my unruly thick long hair..... my daughter thankfully put her daughterly skills into action and put it into a plait for me......I was ready just in the nick of time as suddenly my husband announced that the hearse was coming down the lane.... I began to shake...... quickly we locked up and went out into the road and there before me was Mum coming home for the very last time.... the lovely funeral director was walking in front of Mums hearse leading her back to me (I had no idea he was going to do that)...... I could feel this huge lump in my throat and god knows how I kept the tears back.
The funeral director introduced himself to me and told me not to worry about a thing, he would do all the worrying... his name was Bernie and I honestly don't know how I would have managed without Bernie during the funeral he was such a gentle, respectful helpful lovely man............
After various instructions etc all the cars following were instructed on how they would be expected to drive and what procedures would be taken on the journey to the crematorium and so we all took our positions... My OH who was driving, myself and my son in the first car, my daughter and partner in the second car and dear friends and neighbours following behind....... and again Bernie walked in front of Mums hearse and led her away... once in the car I just could not hold on any longer and sobbed... 

The hearse was so beautiful clean and shiny, and Mums coffin and flowers looked beautiful... I know that may sound such a strange thing to say, but it has been a very hard time finding funds to cover the costs of this funeral and I have reluctantly had to do things on a very tight budget... and although the coffin was one of the more economical ones it still looked very respectful and the flowers that I ordered myself from an on-line florists (cheaper than the undertakers) looked beautiful..... and I am sure Mum would have been proud. 
I had a mixture of fresh and silk flowers... I have future plans for the silk flowers.......

We were going to the North Chapel for Mums service (sounded so cold) however I was so wrong it was beautiful, warm and bright with a lovely country view, the crematorium is alongside woodland.......... we entered the chapel to our chosen music which was Michael Jacksons Earth Song a huge favourite of Mums.... the service was a humanist service and I chose it for many reasons but I wanted the service to be beautiful as my Mum was a beautiful lady who loved life and nature and I wanted the service to be taken in a specific way.... the humanist that took the service for me was a fantastic gentleman called Bill. Bill came to our home a few days before the service so we could plan how things were to be carried out. It was a Saturday and my OH was at home also so we were able to have a lovely hour together drinking coffee and deciding on various poems and things. I had already written Mums eulogy and it just needed a bit of tweaking... my husband had also written a poem for me about Mum and Bill loved it as much as I did and decided to read it out at the service.

Bill was a brilliant reader and his words were like soothing balm, I could listen to him speak forever............ I managed to keep a hold on my emotions until Bill read out my husbands poem and then I just broke down..... the rest of the service went like clockwork and the song played before the committal was Sleepsong by Secret Garden   ... I just love this song and felt it would be so right to say goodbye to my Mum...... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvVi46MEGKw Bill said a few more things and the service ended with music The Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler. Bernie appeared again, bowed in respect to Mums coffin and then waited until we had finished listening to our final piece of music..... by this time I was a complete wreck, I had no idea how hard it was going to be and certainly thought I had no more tears left to cry, but I did and I have since cried more.. its hard dealing with that gut wrenching feeling that I get when I suddenly remember Mum is not with me to join in with something I know she would have loved of which their are many, she was after all part of me and my life for so long. I was talking to my son a couple of days ago and we were discussing Christmas and how none of us felt like celebrating it at all this year, then my son suddenly said... 'Mum its going to be so strange not hearing Nan's giggle over Christmas' and the tears welled up in his eyes, as they did mine..Mum loved the family get together on Christmas day and we always made an effort somehow to all be together, my daughter and her partner always turned up early in the morning for a few hours so we could open up our presents together.....no matter how hard I try I just cannot find the heart for Christmas so we will allow it to come and go with no frills and fuss this year, it will instead be a quiet peaceful time where we will remember Mum and Dad and others that have sadly passed......


After the funeral we went to a friend and neighbours house who had put on a huge spread for us... it was amazing and so kind of her and so appreciated. I did manage to eat a little but even that was hard to swallow.. the hot coffee went down well and somewhere along the way I was given some wine to drink which actually made me very tired, the rest of the day was just a haze of saying and doing the right things.

I thought I would be better the day after the funeral but once alone, both OH and Son had gone back to work, it hit me harder still and I just spent the day frozen unable to settle to anything,chores were impossible, reading, writing, the computer nothing distracted me from my thoughts, I was even unable to shut my eyes and sleep, unable to listen to music, watch the television. I was in a right old state... just sat and wept on and off all day but guess it was needed. When I lost my gorgeous Dad, I was so busy looking after Mum I didn't grieve properly and that came out a lot later and made me ill... so this time I have shed huge amounts of tears, have felt the raw pain of grief and its been hell and still is at times, but this time I have experienced it and that has to be healthier I guess.

I am due to collect Mums ashes soon and I will keep them in a special place alongside Dads ashes until the a decision on what I should or shouldn't do with them is made... cannot deal with that yet.


And now I must move on with life once more and try to find my way... need to find a new path to follow, but its hard to move from where I am at as yet so waiting for inspiration. One thing I am sure of is that I will be so glad to see an end to this year and although I won't celebrate Christmas I am most certainly going to welcome in the New Year with open arms................

And this is now going to be my last post about my Mums demise.... as this is my blog recording my life I needed to blog about my life this year caring for Mum and the emotions that went along with my care for Mum, but now I have lost my Mum I know I have to move on, somehow..... and I guess following my blog has been somewhat depressing to many this year and yet I hope it may have helped others that may be experiencing similar situations.... what I did want to achieve is for people to understand how heartbreaking dementia can be and what an awful disease it is. I myself had no idea what devastation it caused.... I am emotionally wrung out now, as the sadness is hard to bear and the tiredness I feel is incredible...................
So my blog will now be about my slow and steady climb back to normality,and whatever that may entail ....... 
Thank you all for taking the time to read/follow my blog over the past year and your comments and support have been invaluable...... you are all incredible people xxxxxxxxx

Friday 20 November 2009

An Empty Room.........


I have been overwhelmed by the kindness of my family, friends and neighbours and I am truly thankful for ALL of the lovely comments left on my blog and I thank you ALL from the bottom of my heart... my family and I are very grateful xxxxxxx


Mums funeral will be held next Wednesday at 3.15 pm and I am busying myself with the preparations..... its has taken this long to finally lay Mum to rest as we have struggled to find the funds for her funeral. We have our own financial problems and do not have spare funds ourselves to pay for the funeral and Mum passed away leaving nothing for her funeral and also debts....... I was aware of the debts before she passed away and was trying to pay off what I could on her behalf and also dealing with the heartless debt collectors who sent out vile letters or made vile phone calls.. I am ashamed to say I screamed at one debt collector who called shortly after Mum had died...... it was all too much.. yes I know they have a job to do and they have to earn a living but for gods sake some are just vile.......


Mum lived in a park home (as we do) we were four doors apart from each other. We have managed to sell Mums park home back to the park owner who will get rid of Mums home to a farmer who will use if for an office or some such thing and a new park home will be sited in its place, the site is in a prime spot as its secluded and over looks two fields and a decent profit will be made by the site owner... however this sale has enabled me to pay off some of Mums debt and pay for Mums funeral.


I will be so glad when this year is over, I am so tired out. Christmas in my mind is completely off the agenda this year I have neither the heart or the energy..... and my family are happy for me to let Christmas pass by.......Ideally I really would like to hibernate over the Christmas period and wake up when the New Year has arrived.......


My son is slowly moving back into his old room (the room that was for a short period of time Mums room) we are letting him do this at his own pace as he was very upset about his Nans passing. We only have two bedrooms and while Mum was with us our son would sleep at his Nans home... the day she passed away he just could not bring himself to go into his Nans place and sleep... so he his sleeping in our bed and OH and I are sleeping on the two sofas in the living room... its really very comfortable and we are managing just fine... will not be for much longer as what was once Mums room is again becoming warm and inviting (the cold feeling it had for a short while has gone) and as our sons 'stuff' is slowly put back, de-cluttered as he goes and re-arranged its becoming his room once again...... so our camping days are nearly over...


The room was so empty after Mum had gone... the undertakers who collected Mum during the evening were the biggest burliest and kindest men I could ever wish to met....... at the time the road outside our home was been resurfaced and it had been a week of hellish noise, drilling and heavy rollers and things, the poor undertakers had to remove, cones, kerbstones and god knows what to get to our home but without complaint they did this and were so respectful in everything they did.... and after they had taken Mum as they drove out the put every cone and obstacle back in place... the most moving scene greeted me when they had gone and I went back into that empty room and this is what I found.........


I could not believe my eyes..... these two men had reached up and found Mums teddy and placed it on Mums pillow...... as you can imagine I just broke down and sobbed... but that small gesture meant so much and I will remember it always................

A week after Mum had passed away the hospital bed and other equipment was removed and the room was emptied of its adorments which were based on making it a lovely room for Mum... the room looked so empty it was awful.....


But soon it will be used again and life must go on........


I have lit a candle for Mum on my blog..... and it will stay until after her funeral.... I also found this poem and thought I would share it .......

Light A Candle

light a candle,
see it glow,
watch it dance,
when you feel low,
think of me,
think of light,
I'll always be here,
day or night,
a candle flickers,
out of sight,
but in your heart,
I still burn bright,
think not of sadness,
that I'm not near,
think of gladness,
and joyous cheer,
I have not left,
I am not gone,
I'm here to stay
my little one,
so when you light a candle
and you see it glow
and you watch it dance
in your heart you'll know
that I would never leave you
even when you feel so blue
I'm sitting up here with the Lord
and now watching over you



Light a candle by J (at, Familyfriendspoems)

Sunday 8 November 2009

We Remember.............


We remember those who have fallen and those who are still falling.....................


Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland