Tagged........ (from 2009)

In late 2009 I was tagged by the lovely LiZZie at http://mygenericmedium.blogspot.com/

Because I had just been through the ordeal of my Mums funeral I was not up to much at the time and sort of put my blog on hold and told LiZZie that I would delay the tag for a while but promised I would post it when I was ready to move on with life... that  time has now arrived and so I will now carry out that promise! Thank you LiZZie for this tag and award and I do VERY MUCH appreciate you thinking of me,. Its going to be fun to do and pass on....... 

Firstly the award picture ( I think its the right one... long story http://mygenericmedium.blogspot.com/2009/12/tag-why-i-love-patty.html   but having traced the tag back to http://smitoniusandsonata.blogspot.com/2009/11/7-things-you-didnt-know.html I have decided this is the award picture to use... (this is already great fun!! lol!!) 

And now for the rules ~

1. Copy and paste the picture which you see above onto your own blog. 

2. Thank the person who gave you the award and post a link to their blog.

3. Write 7 things about yourself we do not know. [See below]

4. Choose 7 other bloggers to award.

5. Link to those 7 other bloggers. 

6. Notify your 7 bloggers.   

1) I used to be a Campanologist

2) I am terrified of spiders... 

3) I adore aromatherapy but sadly I am not qualified but just dabble

4) I love my garden/greenhouse and can loose myself completely whilst working in either.

5) I cannot drive

6) My first job was in a Jewellery Shop

7) I have just discovered photography over the last couple of years and I love, love, love it. I recently sent a photograph to my local newspaper and made picture of the week and I am over the moon!! I am so happy about it that I am going to share it with you all and this is the photograph!!!

The photograph was taken on a recent frosty morning whilst walking my dog Basil.

So that concludes my not very exciting 7 things you may or may not know about me.......

And now to link to 7 other bloggers: -

http://suomeasorceress.blogspot.com/ 

http://codlinsandcream2.blogspot.com/ 

http://completelyquackers.blogspot.com/ 

http://newishlifeinscotland.blogspot.com/ 

http://compostbins.blogspot.com/ 

http://teawithwillow.blogspot.com/ 

http://moonlightandhares.blogspot.com/ 

I will link to you all and invite you to join in with this tag but if its not for you then please do not worry.

If anyone I have not tagged would like to have a go then please feel free........

Favourite song meme (two!)

I am a really lucky girl because I get two shots at this.... I have been tagged for the favourite song meme a second time by the lovely blogger http://newishlifeinscotland.blogspot.com/.. thank you so much for a second chance xxxx
So have had my thinking cap on a second time and after much deliberation I have decided on this as my second favourite song of all time........ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7Gbb2bTWAc
Now to tag a few lovely bloggers that may like to have a go at this meme... or anyone else that may like to join in... please feel free and have fun!!!
http://facebook-melmel.blogspot.com/
http://codlinsandcream2.blogspot.com/
http://www.earthenwitch.co.uk/
http://mrsnesbittsspace.blogspot.com/

Favourite song meme.........

I have been tagged the other day by the lovely http://completelyquackers.blogspot.com/ and thought it a great idea to begin my new ... New Year on a more cheery note.....Thank you so much Sara xxxxx
This has been very hard to do as I have so many favourites and they change frequently.  So over the past few days I have put my mind through the wringer and just has I thought I had decided I changed my mind.... but and I may change my mind again in the next few minutes I have decided that this song I have loved from the moment it was released and still love it just as much now... it has special meanings to me which will remain unsaid..... but take a listen and see what you think?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2m__rbD2IM
And now to tag a few lovely blogger's that may enjoy taking part in this.... although it is hard and I will understand if you would prefer not to take part, the choice is yours......... and of course anyone who would like to take part that I have not listed then please feel free....... xxxxx
http://suomeasorceress.blogspot.com/
http://mygenericmedium.blogspot.com/
http://compostbins.blogspot.com/
http://mrsc.typepad.co.uk/being_mrs_c/

Its hard to say goodbye...............

On November 25th at 3.15pm it was time to say goodbye to Mum and lay her to rest, it was a day I was dreading and yet was needing to be done and had been a very long time coming due to finances etc.............
Thank god for very dear friends and family who got me through this dreadfully painful day...... 
I did not sleep much the night before and whenever I nodded off I seemed to wake with a start and a sicking gut wrenching feeling........ I just gave up and got up eventually and drank endless cups of coffee and kept checking my to do list and my order of service anything to keep busy and not think.....

My friends called to take Basil for a long walk at about 9.30am whilst my OH and I went out to do a few last minute chores and deliver my order of service stationary to the undertakers. I made the order of service myself and although quite unprofessional they were all individually made with love.....
Eventually it was time for us all to get changed and ready and I have to say I was so proud of all the effort my family made... my son looked so smart in his new white shirt and black tie.... no longer the boy but a man...............my daughter and partner arrived in good time and both dressed immaculately. My daughters partner was all suited and booted and looked so handsome! Thank god for my daughters early arrival as I was having a last minute panic with my unruly thick long hair..... my daughter thankfully put her daughterly skills into action and put it into a plait for me......I was ready just in the nick of time as suddenly my husband announced that the hearse was coming down the lane.... I began to shake...... quickly we locked up and went out into the road and there before me was Mum coming home for the very last time.... the lovely funeral director was walking in front of Mums hearse leading her back to me (I had no idea he was going to do that)...... I could feel this huge lump in my throat and god knows how I kept the tears back.
The funeral director introduced himself to me and told me not to worry about a thing, he would do all the worrying... his name was Bernie and I honestly don't know how I would have managed without Bernie during the funeral he was such a gentle, respectful helpful lovely man............
After various instructions etc all the cars following were instructed on how they would be expected to drive and what procedures would be taken on the journey to the crematorium and so we all took our positions... My OH who was driving, myself and my son in the first car, my daughter and partner in the second car and dear friends and neighbours following behind....... and again Bernie walked in front of Mums hearse and led her away... once in the car I just could not hold on any longer and sobbed... 

The hearse was so beautiful clean and shiny, and Mums coffin and flowers looked beautiful... I know that may sound such a strange thing to say, but it has been a very hard time finding funds to cover the costs of this funeral and I have reluctantly had to do things on a very tight budget... and although the coffin was one of the more economical ones it still looked very respectful and the flowers that I ordered myself from an on-line florists (cheaper than the undertakers) looked beautiful..... and I am sure Mum would have been proud. 
I had a mixture of fresh and silk flowers... I have future plans for the silk flowers.......

We were going to the North Chapel for Mums service (sounded so cold) however I was so wrong it was beautiful, warm and bright with a lovely country view, the crematorium is alongside woodland.......... we entered the chapel to our chosen music which was Michael Jacksons Earth Song a huge favourite of Mums.... the service was a humanist service and I chose it for many reasons but I wanted the service to be beautiful as my Mum was a beautiful lady who loved life and nature and I wanted the service to be taken in a specific way.... the humanist that took the service for me was a fantastic gentleman called Bill. Bill came to our home a few days before the service so we could plan how things were to be carried out. It was a Saturday and my OH was at home also so we were able to have a lovely hour together drinking coffee and deciding on various poems and things. I had already written Mums eulogy and it just needed a bit of tweaking... my husband had also written a poem for me about Mum and Bill loved it as much as I did and decided to read it out at the service.

Bill was a brilliant reader and his words were like soothing balm, I could listen to him speak forever............ I managed to keep a hold on my emotions until Bill read out my husbands poem and then I just broke down..... the rest of the service went like clockwork and the song played before the committal was Sleepsong by Secret Garden   ... I just love this song and felt it would be so right to say goodbye to my Mum...... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvVi46MEGKw Bill said a few more things and the service ended with music The Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler. Bernie appeared again, bowed in respect to Mums coffin and then waited until we had finished listening to our final piece of music..... by this time I was a complete wreck, I had no idea how hard it was going to be and certainly thought I had no more tears left to cry, but I did and I have since cried more.. its hard dealing with that gut wrenching feeling that I get when I suddenly remember Mum is not with me to join in with something I know she would have loved of which their are many, she was after all part of me and my life for so long. I was talking to my son a couple of days ago and we were discussing Christmas and how none of us felt like celebrating it at all this year, then my son suddenly said... 'Mum its going to be so strange not hearing Nan's giggle over Christmas' and the tears welled up in his eyes, as they did mine..Mum loved the family get together on Christmas day and we always made an effort somehow to all be together, my daughter and her partner always turned up early in the morning for a few hours so we could open up our presents together.....no matter how hard I try I just cannot find the heart for Christmas so we will allow it to come and go with no frills and fuss this year, it will instead be a quiet peaceful time where we will remember Mum and Dad and others that have sadly passed......


After the funeral we went to a friend and neighbours house who had put on a huge spread for us... it was amazing and so kind of her and so appreciated. I did manage to eat a little but even that was hard to swallow.. the hot coffee went down well and somewhere along the way I was given some wine to drink which actually made me very tired, the rest of the day was just a haze of saying and doing the right things.

I thought I would be better the day after the funeral but once alone, both OH and Son had gone back to work, it hit me harder still and I just spent the day frozen unable to settle to anything,chores were impossible, reading, writing, the computer nothing distracted me from my thoughts, I was even unable to shut my eyes and sleep, unable to listen to music, watch the television. I was in a right old state... just sat and wept on and off all day but guess it was needed. When I lost my gorgeous Dad, I was so busy looking after Mum I didn't grieve properly and that came out a lot later and made me ill... so this time I have shed huge amounts of tears, have felt the raw pain of grief and its been hell and still is at times, but this time I have experienced it and that has to be healthier I guess.

I am due to collect Mums ashes soon and I will keep them in a special place alongside Dads ashes until the a decision on what I should or shouldn't do with them is made... cannot deal with that yet.

And now I must move on with life once more and try to find my way... need to find a new path to follow, but its hard to move from where I am at as yet so waiting for inspiration. One thing I am sure of is that I will be so glad to see an end to this year and although I won't celebrate Christmas I am most certainly going to welcome in the New Year with open arms................

And this is now going to be my last post about my Mums demise.... as this is my blog recording my life I needed to blog about my life this year caring for Mum and the emotions that went along with my care for Mum, but now I have lost my Mum I know I have to move on, somehow..... and I guess following my blog has been somewhat depressing to many this year and yet I hope it may have helped others that may be experiencing similar situations.... what I did want to achieve is for people to understand how heartbreaking dementia can be and what an awful disease it is. I myself had no idea what devastation it caused.... I am emotionally wrung out now, as the sadness is hard to bear and the tiredness I feel is incredible...................
So my blog will now be about my slow and steady climb back to normality,and whatever that may entail ....... 
Thank you all for taking the time to read/follow my blog over the past year and your comments and support have been invaluable...... you are all incredible people xxxxxxxxx

An Empty Room.........

I have been overwhelmed by the kindness of my family, friends and neighbours and I am truly thankful for ALL of the lovely comments left on my blog and I thank you ALL from the bottom of my heart... my family and I are very grateful xxxxxxx

Mums funeral will be held next Wednesday at 3.15 pm and I am busying myself with the preparations..... its has taken this long to finally lay Mum to rest as we have struggled to find the funds for her funeral. We have our own financial problems and do not have spare funds ourselves to pay for the funeral and Mum passed away leaving nothing for her funeral and also debts....... I was aware of the debts before she passed away and was trying to pay off what I could on her behalf and also dealing with the heartless debt collectors who sent out vile letters or made vile phone calls.. I am ashamed to say I screamed at one debt collector who called shortly after Mum had died...... it was all too much.. yes I know they have a job to do and they have to earn a living but for gods sake some are just vile.......

Mum lived in a park home (as we do) we were four doors apart from each other. We have managed to sell Mums park home back to the park owner who will get rid of Mums home to a farmer who will use if for an office or some such thing and a new park home will be sited in its place, the site is in a prime spot as its secluded and over looks two fields and a decent profit will be made by the site owner... however this sale has enabled me to pay off some of Mums debt and pay for Mums funeral.

I will be so glad when this year is over, I am so tired out. Christmas in my mind is completely off the agenda this year I have neither the heart or the energy..... and my family are happy for me to let Christmas pass by.......Ideally I really would like to hibernate over the Christmas period and wake up when the New Year has arrived.......

My son is slowly moving back into his old room (the room that was for a short period of time Mums room) we are letting him do this at his own pace as he was very upset about his Nans passing. We only have two bedrooms and while Mum was with us our son would sleep at his Nans home... the day she passed away he just could not bring himself to go into his Nans place and sleep... so he his sleeping in our bed and OH and I are sleeping on the two sofas in the living room... its really very comfortable and we are managing just fine... will not be for much longer as what was once Mums room is again becoming warm and inviting (the cold feeling it had for a short while has gone) and as our sons 'stuff' is slowly put back, de-cluttered as he goes and re-arranged its becoming his room once again...... so our camping days are nearly over...

The room was so empty after Mum had gone... the undertakers who collected Mum during the evening were the biggest burliest and kindest men I could ever wish to met....... at the time the road outside our home was been resurfaced and it had been a week of hellish noise, drilling and heavy rollers and things, the poor undertakers had to remove, cones, kerbstones and god knows what to get to our home but without complaint they did this and were so respectful in everything they did.... and after they had taken Mum as they drove out the put every cone and obstacle back in place... the most moving scene greeted me when they had gone and I went back into that empty room and this is what I found.........

I could not believe my eyes..... these two men had reached up and found Mums teddy and placed it on Mums pillow...... as you can imagine I just broke down and sobbed... but that small gesture meant so much and I will remember it always................

A week after Mum had passed away the hospital bed and other equipment was removed and the room was emptied of its adorments which were based on making it a lovely room for Mum... the room looked so empty it was awful.....

But soon it will be used again and life must go on........

I have lit a candle for Mum on my blog..... and it will stay until after her funeral.... I also found this poem and thought I would share it .......

Light A Candle

light a candle,
see it glow,
watch it dance,
when you feel low,
think of me,
think of light,
I'll always be here,
day or night,
a candle flickers,
out of sight,
but in your heart,
I still burn bright,
think not of sadness,
that I'm not near,
think of gladness,
and joyous cheer,
I have not left,
I am not gone,
I'm here to stay
my little one,
so when you light a candle
and you see it glow
and you watch it dance
in your heart you'll know
that I would never leave you
even when you feel so blue
I'm sitting up here with the Lord
and now watching over you



Light a candle by J (at, Familyfriendspoems)

We Remember.............

We remember those who have fallen and those who are still falling.....................

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

Mum has passed away

Thank god I was finally able to have Mum home... Over the past four weeks I have spent many precious hours with her.. talking to her, feeding, changing, reassuring, and loving her through this awful debilitating illness ..... but yesterday she finally found peace and I was with her as she sadly passed away... as she began to slip away I was able to tell her how much I loved her and how much she was loved by all of the family, I was able to hold her hand and tell her not to be scared as she would soon find peace and I was able to say goodbye and that means so much to me......

Our GP came out to certify her passing and was so wonderful with us all.... she had only just lost her own father so was very sensitive to our needs and told me that I should call the undertaker only when I was ready to do so..... and so I was able to spend time with Mum playing soft music and burning some essential oils... give her a wash and dress her, brush her hair and make her look beautiful..... just that little bit longer before I had to let her go....... and then when I knew it was time I made the phone call to the undertaker........ and now she is gone I am bereft..... but with the love of my family and friends I will get through this.... now their is much to do and I guess keeping busy will help. I cannot stop the tears at the moment, I know it was expected and I know that her life was a torment and now she is at peace but I miss her so much and it hurts........