Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Time to come home......

Mum is coming home..... I just cannot believe it......
Mum has been away since June and it seems like an eternity.
Mum was getting very upset every time I visited because she thought I was coming to take her home and could not understand why I didn't and on recent visits she has been extremely angry with me and told me to go away as I was wicked and she has began to swear at me, words I have never heard her use before.....I think through all the muddle she is so fed up with all the broken promises, promises that I did not want to break but something always seemed to go wrong to prevent her homecoming but Mum is far too muddled and angry to understand any explanation.
Its very hard when my gentle sweet Mum is physically aggressive with me and tries to pinch or strike me. I have to be honest I am finding it very hard to bear... I have to go away and shed some silent tears...........

Mum has actually improved a little and as quoted by Mums Community Psychiatric Nurse John 'shes a tough cookie'!!
John popped into see me the other day to have a cup of tea and a chat.... just to see how I was doing and to discuss Mum...
John has stressed to me that although Mum has rallied a little she is not going to get better and she is coming home to die and I was to be under no illusions regarding that which of course I am not.

John is going to get in touch with our local GP and put her up to date with Mums care and required medical needs at home and arrange the possibility of drips should Mum eventually stop eating all together.

Mum is now eating a little better but that is not consistent and some days are better than others. Mum has to have all liquids thickened and all her food pureed.

Thursday morning the hospital bed and pressure mattress will be delivered and set up for Mum and once that is in-situ Mum will be discharged and I pray that coming home will give her some peace and contentment. I just want to make her as happy as possible.
I have to admit to having very mixed feelings, yes I am so happy Mum is coming back to me finally!!! and yet I am also somewhat scared because her recent aggressive behaviour towards me is troubling me greatly and if I am not able to 'communicate' with her then looking after her is going to be a nightmare.. I need to feed her and for that I need her co-operation and I need to administer her various medicines and I am so worried that if she refuses to eat or take her medicines because I have become this person that she dislikes so much then I will have to seek medical help as she is already so terribly frail and refusal of food and medicines will very quickly make her seriously ill........
It makes me so sad that Mum at present feels such anger and almost hatred towards me. I know its the dementia, such a hateful condition. I am told that I have to try to let this go as the Mum I know and love with all my heart has already left me ... but that is easier said than done.

Tomorrow is now going to be a manic day... thought I was all ready for Mums homecoming, but suddenly realise I need to get to the shops to buy foods suitable for Mum., toiletries and a couple of special drinking beakers... and the list of things to do is endless, I so want it all to be perfect!!
Perfect for my perfect Mum..............
A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials,
heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles
thicken around us,
still will she cling to us, and endeavour by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.

- Washington Irving


Bruce said...

Great news about your mum coming home, Im so pleased she can spend her final moments in a loving atmosphere instead of the chaos of a hospital ward, my thoughts are with you, and I wish you well x x

Anonymous said...

Dear Jane. You will do everything you possibly can, with love, care and consideration. If it proves impossible to sustain in the circumstances you will know that no one could have done more. You are a brave woman and a very loving person. Sometimes some of this will still reach your mum and she will benefit from what you and her family can provide. I am sure that many many people who read your blog will be keeping their hearts and minds focussed on what you are about to embark upon. Your mother inspired you to be this lovely person and I am very pleased that she can benefit from this at this time in her life. May you find love and tenderness during this journey amongst all the other things you'll be encountering. Not many people could do this, so dont ever doubt your courage and compassion for which I have utmost respect. Much love, liZZie xXx

Greentwinsmummy said...

You are truly amazing dear heart x I hope your dear mum is home soon,I cant imagine for a moment its going to be easy,after all the best decisions are often the hardest ones.There will still be a spark of your old darling in her,when shes muddled & confused & doesnt know you & its too hard to bear,hold on to that thought x Deep in her,although her body is doing things she would never ever want it to do,deep within there is still the love & tenderness & thanks & joy she feels at having you as her daughter.
All my love to you in the coming days x x x x

MoominMama said...

Wonderful news that your Mum is coming home Jane.
I have no doubt that you will be able to give her such love and comfort in this part of her journey.
My thoughts are with you at this time,
love and light
Kath xx

Earthenwitch said...

Thinking of you with the homecoming. I have some experience of this; although for me it was cancer-related, some of the issues you're facing ring very true for me. You will get through it, and just try to remember that you're doing your very best, and that's all you can ever do.

ICQB said...

I'm so glad your mum is coming home. I know that that's so important to both of you. I know that difficulties may still lay ahead, but focusing on all of the good things, though they may be few, will help with all the rest of it.

My thoughts are with you, lots of love,

Little Terraced House said...

I think its good news for both you and your mum that she is coming home to you. I'm sure once she realises that you arent' going to disapear on her and that she has familiar surroundings and people, around her, she will settle down and her anger will disipate.

Good luck to you, I wish you mu very best wishes. We, bloggers are here with you every step of the way.

Big hugs Babs

Vetnurse said...

I am glad for all of you that she is coming home there will be a lot of bridges for you to cross like you say. If you have a local group of carers they are worth contacting. The one near us are very good.

Leanne said...

sending support and hugs, as usual. i do admire how you cope,jane . Leanne x

Compostwoman said...

Have only just caught this post ( sorry)

Just want to say how much I admire your care and determination. Your love for your Mum shines through all the adversities you have described.

I am SURE she can still feel and sense your love through the cloud of upset and fear which is in the brain of someone with dementia.

With much love

S xx

Bovey Belle said...

I've just popped across from Newhouse Farm. I nursed my mum at home after a series of strokes, for the last 6 years of her life. It got harder as the years went on and she became progressively more debilitated, but we had good carers and the social workers and District Nurse helped set things up so I could cope. I'm not saying it was easy, and without the help of my wonderful husband I would have been going nuts at times as it was so stressful trying to coax her to eat. BUT, I knew I had done all I could for my mum - after all, she had given up years bringing me up, so it was the least I could do in return.

There are some wise words and much love in the comments here, and your friends will help you through the time ahead. I am sure your mum will settle down once she is in a familiar place with familiar people and a different routine.

HUGS. Jennie xx (Aberlemno)

mrsnesbitt said...

Sending you both BIG MASSIVE HUGS Dxxxx